6:00am.

Can't Sleep.

As I lay in bed, my mind is spitting out my list of tasks for the day.

Yeah, I don't write things down, because I have a mental to-do list that doesn't quit. Believe me, this is no extraordinary talent to be proud of. It's really just annoying.

And my mental to-do list gets louder and more aggressive when I am not leaning on the Lord. When I am not letting God shoulder my burdens, I feel responsible for things I cannot control, and I feel pressure to make it all happen for my life. Whatever "it all" is.

I wonder how God is going to work it all out. You know, in fulfilling my dreams and all. Will Russ and I ever make enough money to have a family? Will I get a job when I graduate? Will God open up opportunities for me to dance again? Will Russ teach? Will we survive?

Yeah, big questions for so early in the morning. And when I try to answer them through careful logical planning all written out in outline form, when I try to work it all out via a to-do list, it never fits together, and I don't trust God.

It just doesn't work like this:

Make enough money. Check.
Fulfill dreams. Check.
Have a child here. Check.
Become a dance/movement therapist. Check.

As much as I wish it did, it doesn't.

I don't know what God has up his sleeve for me. But I am sure it doesn't just include fulfilling dreams. It will include detours, sorrows, growing pains, and losses. But maybe (I just had a thought) even those are a part of fulfilling the dreams. I think so. Because God knows our dreams better than we know our own. It's scary, but true. And He doens't need a to-do list. Because He is the Master Weaver, and He weaves together all the fabric of my life, the good, bad, and ugly to fulfill His plans and my dreams for my life.

This is the scripture I claim this morning:
" No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever."
---Psalm 16: 9-11