Reunion Jitters

Okay, the countdown to the reunion has officially begun.

And the accompanying panic.

It officially began today when I had my first reunion dream during my nap.

First of all, I wasn't even married in the dream (Sorry Russ!.) I was single and my date to the reunion was Paul Ideker, who was my boyfriend in the seventh grade, before Danny Brock.

And Paul was wearing some 80s gay construction worker outfit. It was a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off, and really tight jeans. Tee.hee.

And Kristin was recovering from surgery, but not the jaw surgery she really had, it was some crazy stomach surgery that made her have a red and purple swollen stomach the size of a basketball. It was traumatizing!

And my job at the reunion was to collect everybody's money. Hmmm. Interesting.

So I have started thinking about the reunion, and I am trying with all my might to refrain from the self-reflection that comes along with it. Like looking back on the past ten years, and evaluating how far I've come compared to where I thought I'd be. Because you know something tells me I shouldn't still be in school, and I shouldn't be still living in an apt., and I shouldn't still be asking mommy and daddy for money.

But I refuse to dwell on any of that.

I also refuse to dwell on my added thirty pounds.

And considering all the grown adult clients I have seen lately who are stuck in adolescence, I certainly don't want the revelation of how much I am still stuck in mine.

I will not revisit the pain of adolescence.

I will go toward and away from this experience without any self-consciousness or self-loathing. I am who I am who I am who I am. And it's good. And it's God.

What I Love Right Now

Okay so here's what I am loving lately....

"So You Think You Can Dance" (My FAVORITE television show, upholding the integrity of dance, and educating people about the world of dance, and so much better than friggin' "Dancing with the Stars")

Bojangles (southern kind of KFC, and my guilty pleasure)

Headbands

This quote from Cyrano de Bergerac

"To sing, to laugh, to dream,
To walk in my own way and be alone,
Free, with an eye to see things as they are,
A voice that means my manhood - to cock my hat
Where I choose - At a word, a Yes, a No,
To fight - or write. To travel any road
Under the sun, under the stars, nor doubt
If fame or fortune lie beyond the bourne -
Never to make a line I have not heard
In my own heart; yet, with all modesty
To say: "My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."

(I love this quote because it inspires me to walk to my own tune, accept who I am, be true to how God has made me, and with God's help, live my life inspired and creative.)

Hot tea and toast

Jack and Coke

Warm Summer Rain

Showering at night

Seeing people grow in counseling

God's faithful provision

Happy Father's Day

A good man, A good father.
Not a big talker, but what he does say is usually funny.
An avid golfer.
Introduced me to chocolate chip cookies and milk.
A hard worker and early riser.
As a child I got to work with him in the vegetable garden.
A behind-the-scenes helper.
Seems to always know what is best.
A good provider.
A reflection of our Heavenly Father.

Today Russ and I are Super Christians.
I am off taking a Crown Financial Ministries Class which is a requirement for my seminary scholarship.
Russ is off volunteering for Habitat For Humanity with his small group.
Couldn't get anymore evangelical than that. Tee.hee.

6:00am.

Can't Sleep.

As I lay in bed, my mind is spitting out my list of tasks for the day.

Yeah, I don't write things down, because I have a mental to-do list that doesn't quit. Believe me, this is no extraordinary talent to be proud of. It's really just annoying.

And my mental to-do list gets louder and more aggressive when I am not leaning on the Lord. When I am not letting God shoulder my burdens, I feel responsible for things I cannot control, and I feel pressure to make it all happen for my life. Whatever "it all" is.

I wonder how God is going to work it all out. You know, in fulfilling my dreams and all. Will Russ and I ever make enough money to have a family? Will I get a job when I graduate? Will God open up opportunities for me to dance again? Will Russ teach? Will we survive?

Yeah, big questions for so early in the morning. And when I try to answer them through careful logical planning all written out in outline form, when I try to work it all out via a to-do list, it never fits together, and I don't trust God.

It just doesn't work like this:

Make enough money. Check.
Fulfill dreams. Check.
Have a child here. Check.
Become a dance/movement therapist. Check.

As much as I wish it did, it doesn't.

I don't know what God has up his sleeve for me. But I am sure it doesn't just include fulfilling dreams. It will include detours, sorrows, growing pains, and losses. But maybe (I just had a thought) even those are a part of fulfilling the dreams. I think so. Because God knows our dreams better than we know our own. It's scary, but true. And He doens't need a to-do list. Because He is the Master Weaver, and He weaves together all the fabric of my life, the good, bad, and ugly to fulfill His plans and my dreams for my life.

This is the scripture I claim this morning:
" No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever."
---Psalm 16: 9-11

It's been a week since Russ and I's spiritual retreat at Well of Mercy, and of course, this week has been pure hell. Literally, straight from Satan. And I am not kidding. He usually does attack after some profound experience with the Lord. Believe me, I already need another retreat. In trying to decide what to blog about, I settled on the retreat, rather than the details of hell week. Here are some photos of the serene surroundings at Well of Mercy where we were greeted by Sister Donna (the coolest nun in the world) after 2 hours of Nascar traffic. Believe me when I tell you that ALL the rednecks on the face of the planet were in Charlotte for what I consider to be the dumbest sport. I mean, when the participants crash and die on the regular, you might not want to call it a sport.

Anyway, everyone knows you don't go to north Charlotte during Race week, but Russ and I headed that way to get to our destination.

So we arrived, and tried our best to look like we were not on vacation taking advantage of the Well's nonprofit status, but on a serious spiritual comtemplative journey.

Didn't take us long to be the weekend hoodlums at the retreat. I mean, we thought everything was fair game in the Well's common area refrigerator. I mean, hello, didn't you go to college and have college roommates? Everyone knows you are supposed to mark your name on what you don't want eaten. Otherwise, it is fair game. So, yeah, Russ and I cooked ourselves up a big hearty breakfast with another guest's food, and just as we were savoring the crisp bacon, she came down with her own pan to cook her bacon and eggs. Oooppps! Luckily she was a nice lady who knew how to share.

Truly, Russ and I had a wonderful time. We enjoyed reading, praying, walking, laying in hammocks, resting in the jacuzzi tub. It was fabulous. We started studying a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerrichs. To sum it up, it describes how a wife longs to be loved and cherished and men long for respect. It explains that married couples get into what the author terms a "crazy cycle" when the husband is unloving to his wife, and the wife responds with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband more unloving, which makes the wife disrespectful, and on and on it spins. Russ and I are learning lots about our own little crazy interactions. I've been asking Russ all week, "Are we on the crazy cycle right now?," and whenever Russ makes me mad I say, "Now, don't make me get all crazy cycle on you!" Somehow, I don't think that is how we are supposed to apply the principles, but we sure have had lots of laughs, even with the hellish week from hell. Did I mention it was hell? Just believe me and pray.