Frozen

I'm freezing.
I just moved to Missouri.
It's snowed five times in 2 1/2 weeks.
I underestimated the cold.
My bones ache and I can't get warm.

I asked my dad if we could have the space heater they have stored in the basement.
He says, "Space heaters are dangerous."
But I don't really care.
You can set me on fire if that will make me warm again.

I'm freezing.
Shivering from the nerves of starting a new life.
Of running into old friends and meeting new ones.
Of caring too much what people think.

About what I've accomplished.
About how far I've come.

I'm freezing.

Missouri doesn't seem to care about five years of grad school.
About Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.
About being a therapist. And soon an LPC.
I'm just me. It's the everything and nothing that I offer.

I'm freezing.
Quivering from the withdrawals of a cable television addiction.
And stunned stiff from the amazement of two weeks on one tank of gas.

I'm freezing.

Because winter is a time of dying.
Dying to what was and has been.
Dying to controlling my husband as a parent does a child.
Dying to thinking I must measure up.
Dying to self and pride.
To defense and pretense.
To hiding and lying.
DENYING.

I'm freezing.

But as I shiver, quiver, and shake from the cold,
There is a small glow of warmth inside.

It's new life. It's alive.

It's Christ in me. Me in Christ.
With a crackle and a hiss, and a break and twist,
the frozen heart melts.
Set on fire and made warm again.
It's hope and love and redemption.
It's the ebb and flow of the spirit of grace.

Whether I work at Starbucks or Walmart.
Whatever accomplished.
Whatever said.
Whatever done.

There is cold to warmth.
Death to life.

There is always spring after winter.

Off Kilter

Discontent. Something's amiss. Darfur, AIDs in Africa, opression, Iraq, hunger, human trafficking, guns, global warming.

Discontent. Something's stirring. God, love, compassion, serve, give, feast, water, breathe, beauty shining.

Out with the Old, In with the New...well sort of New...

We got rid of the piece of poo!! You know...the Oldsmobile Cutlass that will probably be the cause of Russ and I going gray prematurely. But yes, we found a great deal, traded in that thing, and drove away in a 2003 Kia Sorento, without taking a single glance back.

Check it out. It's champagne-colored and wonderful, and I will never bad mouth SUVs again, because I have one. tee.hee.

And to top it all off, a man from our church is loaning us a 1987 Nissan truck to use for awhile. So we have two vehicles now! What a kiss from God! He is our Provida'! So guess who is driving the Nissan beat-up truck.....Russ, of course!! Guess who gets the new Kia Sorento to drive around--his high maintenance wife, MEEEEE!!!

I know material things aren't supposed to make us happy, but I've got to say, I was pretty darn blissful after this exciting purchase.

Guess reality will set in June 10th when we make our first payment.

I Grieve

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then

Nothing yet has really sunk in

Looks like it always did

This flesh and bone

It's just the way that we are tied in

But there's no one home

I grieve...

for you

You leave...

Me

So hard to move on

Still loving what's gone

Said life carries on...

Carries on and on and on...

And on

The news that truely shocks

is the empty, empty page

While the final rattle rocks

Its empty, empty cage...

And I can't handle this

I grieve... For you

You leave... Me

Let it out and move on

Missing what's gone

Said life carries on...

I said life carries on and on...

And on

Life carries on in the people I meet

In every one that's out on the street

In all the dogs and cats

In the flies and rats

the rot and the rust

In the ashes and the dust

Life carries on and on and on...

And on Life carries on and on and on...

Life carries on and on and on...

And on

Life carries on and on and on...

Just the car that we ride in

The home we reside in

The face that we hide in

The way we are tied in

As life carries on and on and on...

And on Life carries on and on and on...

Did I dream this belief

Or did I believe this dream

How I will find relief

I grieve...

Peter Gabriel

Thanksgiving

It was a Thanksgiving day road-trip. Russ and I traveled with his dad and step-mom to Ashland, KY.

Ashland, KY: population 2600.

51/2 hours in the back seat of the Explorer with Russ's dad's erratic driving.

Let's just say I came armed. With dramimine, water, gum, soda. All the right gear for nausea.

3 Days of being at the mercy of someone else's home, car, and more importantly, meal schedule.

And when you are with Russ's family you never know if you will get all three square meals in a day. Cause they eat according to this crazy thing called Hunger. They eat when they are hungry. I eat to keep from being hungry. There are no appetizers. There is no grazing. There are no late night snacks.

It was a bit of a test for me, Miss Independent.

And I passed it for the most part, by hoarding trail mix and little snacks I could sneak away to eat, and we got the world's best hot dogs in Wytheville, West VA, and thanksgiving dinner was quite a feast, and you can't beat the down home cookin' of country folk.

I was well-fed.

Driving through the mountains of WVA and hills of KY, passing through coal mining country, listening to Bluegrass, and sipping Kentucky bourbon.

I could use a little more of this peaceful, easy life. Where it's strangely quiet except for the occassional dog bark, cat meow, or child's laugh, where it's common to look out the window and see three beautiful deer staring right at you just before they quickly dart away into the distance.

And despite my own longings for the midwest, it was a Happy Thanksgiving, with family, food, and a little adventure.

Different from my tradition. But nice just the same.

Maybe this will be the start of something new. Just as long as I can drive next time.

Today was the last day of my first field experience in counseling. There will never be this "first" again.

And two days ago you could have sniffed out that I was coming to the end of something and the beginning of something else when I chopped off my hair.

Because we all know hair is not just hair. Hair is always about something deeper.

So I said goodbye to my friends at PSCC today, and wondered, how do you adequately thank people who have sacrificed their time and expertise for absolutely nothing but to invest in me and my future work as a clinician.

Well, you do the best you can. And I did.

It didn't seem like enough.

So, I'm a lucky girl.

I'm a lucky girl even though I've been whining lately that I'm tired of always feeling so inexperienced in EVERYTHING. This feeling being spawned after several meetings at my new job when I left feeling like an idiot because of all the things I didn't know and not knowing that I didn't know what I didn't know.

I'm lucky cause now I can say I have at least one experience under my belt.

But it's over.

And I'm sad.

Time to take what I've gleaned from the friends and mentors who gave so much, and move on to the next experience.

Just to be inexperienced in the next experience. Ugghh.

I guess we never stop learning something new. And I guess I'm thankful for that. I don't have to know everything and know it right away. I can not know. And I can not know that I don't know. That's the advantage I have as the inexperienced one.

And maybe if I wasn't so neurotic it might be fun to not know, not be so painful instead.

I'm neurotic though and I'll be taking that neuroticism right into my next experience.

So for right now, I'll just relish in the one experience I have under my belt, and say with gratitude.....

Goodbye PSCC! I'll hold you in my heart. I'll miss you.

I Wanna Be This Kind of Woman

May we be dangerous women…

May we be women who acknowledge our power to change,
And grow, and be radically alive for God.
May we be healers of wounds and righters of wrongs.
May we weep with those who weep
And speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.
May we cherish children, embrace the elderly
And empower the poor.
May we pray deeply and teach wisely.
May we be strong and gentle leaders.
May we sing songs of joy and talk down fear.
May we never hesitate to let passion push us,
conviction compel us and righteous anger energize us.
May we strike fear into all that is unjust and evil in the world.
May we dismantle abusive systems
and silence lies with truth.
May we shine like stars in a darkened generation.
May we overflow with goodness in the name of God
and by the power of Jesus.
And in that name, and by that power may we
Change the world.

--taken from Nice Girls Don't Change the World by Lynne Hybels