Sometimes I wonder why I am holding back.

What am I afraid of?

Is it me, or am I just living out the cushy American Christian life?

How do I lose my life, as Jesus calls me to do, in this culture?


I watched Beyond the Gates of Splendor the other night and sobbed for about an hour. A must see. One of the most powerful stories of redemption. It is the documentary of five missionaries in the 1950s who were bringing the gospel to one of the most violent native tribes in Ecuador and were speared to death by the tribe. I won't tell the whole story, but what God has done in the life of this tribe and the families of the missionaries is miraculous. The legacy is still being felt.

I sat in absolute awe at the hearts of these missionaries, and not just the ones who died, but their wives, especially their wives who showed love and forgiveness to members of the Waodoni tribe and STILL pursued them with the gospel.

Hearts competely surrendered to the Lord.

And I said to myself, The God who did THAT, lives in me!

The God who is in the business of redeeming. And He has redeemed so much.

And what will it take for him to have my whole heart.

I have a divided heart and there is still so much I am not willing to lose.

Even though he could take it in a blink of an eye. My powerful God. Show me what it is to truly live for you and give me the courage to do it.

Surround Sound

Boys. Men. Male species. Odd birds.

I woke up Saturday morning with Russ buzzing around excited because his friend Mel was coming over at 9am, bright and early, to install in our living room, his old surround sound stereo system which he sold to Russ for a very low price.

What else could get Russ up on a Saturday morning? In fact, our whole day centered around this new surround sound.

Russ tested The Matrix and The Lord of the Rings on the system, and passionately pointed out how you can here every tiny sound, and how crystal clear each punch and kick sounds during the fight scenes, and how the surround sound practically brings you into the scene of the movie as if you were part of it.

Puhlease. I just nodded my head, uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. I tried not to mention the fact that there are now more speakers in my living room than decorative items. That the walls of my living room are now trimmed with speaker wire, and the subwoofer....oh, the subwoofer, well it is so big, it could practically serve as another chair.

Oh, and I didn't say anything about the fact that on a sound level of 1-10 we can pretty much keep it at a 2 without blowing out the eardrums of our neighbors on the other side of the wall. And the lovely subwoofer, well we can't use that till we move to a house.

Oh, and we are now up to four remotes. Jeez.

I also didn't say anything when my blessed sweetheart committed the ultimate sacrifice last night and let me watch Pride and Prejudice on the new system rather than the action movie he in his heart truly wanted to watch.

And I made sure not to say how much I enjoyed hearing the beautiful piano score that accompanied the film, and how it surrounded me and drew me into the drama of the film, and how it made me feel that I myself was Elizabeth Bennett falling in love with the mysterious Mr. Darcy.

Wires and speakers and incredible loudness; not my thing. Beautiful love story with beautiful music. That's my thing.

Surround sound not so bad. Not so ridiculous.


Boys. Men. My husband. Odd bird, but sweet bird.

Olympics

For the past week and a half, Russ and I have retired to our bedroom, cuddled up in front of the television, and have been captivated by the 2006 Winter Olympics. I love it! This is the first time I have really been interested in more than just ice-skating. And we have been watching it all, skeleton, luge, speed skating, downhill skiing, snowboard...well, all but curling, because that's just silly.

Russ and I have laughed...we've cried (well maybe just me who has cried)....cheered, gasped, sighed, and been amazed at all that can be won or lost in a moment.

I've also grown attached to some of these athletes and their stories, and some of their stories have paralleled mine. You know, in other ways besides my amazing athleticism. Here are my two favorites:

Joey Cheek


What a cutie patootie! A speed skater from Greensboro, NC. So, of course, I feel connected. And he is so sweet when he has talked to the media. He won the gold medal in the 500 meter. And to top it all off, he is giving all his winnings to a charity called Right To Play, an organization that helps disadvantaged children around the world. Who can resist this southern sweetheart??



And my next favorite, Brock Kreitzburg.


Alumni of Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary! My seminary! So I feel connected, and he is the brake man for the U.S. four-man bobsled team to compete on Friday. He has been getting lots of media coverage where he has talked about his faith. He also spent last Wednesday at the cathedral housing the Shroud of Turin.
Olympic Athlete.
Man of God.
Hope he wins.



`

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Mi Amor.

God has blessed you with 29 years.

8 of which I have known you. 5 of which I have loved you.

I am so glad God weaved your life into mine.

May your day be as special as you are.

Marriage

This past weekend I started a new class in seminary on Marital Therapy. This is so exciting because love and relationships are my passion, and this is the kind of therapy I want to do, and I will be observing sessions with couples at my internship this semester..I am so pumped! What person gets pumped about therapy? Not many! But I do!

Here I am, a naive, idealistic student sitting in class, ready to learn how to change the world, and save every marriage, and what do I learn but a startling statistic that there is only a 50% sucess rate in marital therapy, even the Christian kind. This is the average! Uggghh. I was so shocked by this. But there are many reasons for it. A lot of them the therapist can't really control. I guess I thought I would be able to control the outcomes in the lives of my clients. Once again the theme of my life: humility. Who am I?

Okay Lord, I don't save the world. You already did. Through your Son Jesus. I can barely be in control of myself, let alone in control of others. I give them to you God. All my future clients. All the marriages. Heal them. Protect the marriages. Heal those who have already lost theirs. I give all of it into your Hands.

Oh and speaking of marriage...Thank you, Hubby for loving me on V-Day, for making me breakfast in bed served with one red rose and making me feel special and cherished. You are so giving, and you know so well how to treat a wife you could teach a marriage seminar. I love you.

Serve Me Up A Piece of Humble Pie

Oh unemployment! We had a good time while it lasted, didn't we? I miss you!


Oh SouthCare! We had a good time while it lasted, didn't we? All the sitting around, eating, and gossiping, practically stealing my rate of pay! I miss you!

Oh new job! I swear I will appreciate you while you are here, but my muscles hurt like they did when I danced six hours a day, and my nasal passages are dry from all the dust, and I swear I will probably start talking to my cleaning supplies after awhile from all the time I spend alone.

So folks, remember when I said "Sh** happens!" and how it would probably happen at my new job? Well, it did NOT take very long for it to happen when on the second day I was criticized by another cleaner for doing a poor job and almost lost the job! I know this is terribly oversaid, but I will say it anyway...Be careful what you pray for!!! Having prayed for humility and freedom from people-pleasing, the Lord allowed a pride-killing circumstance deal with both these issues.

I am okay. I am okay. I still have a job, and it wasn't that I wasn't working hard. I just wasn't using the right cleaning "technique." Did you know there are techniques for cleaning? Well there are. And despite the negative feedback and bursting into tears on the phone with my new boss on the SECOND day, I have had all the rest of my customers approve of my work and even want me back. So it's all good.

But I have learned a valuable lesson. That what other people say and do may hurt, but it doesn't mean a hill of beans compared to what God thinks of me, and how I am accepted and loved by Him. Oh how He wants me to be rooted in that. Thank you, Lord for showing me how I need to nestle myself in the shadow of your wings.

So tomorrow I have my first day at my new counseling internship. I've decided not to pray anything profound for myself cause I am just so afraid he will answer it:-)